On Building Habits and Connecting the Dots
Hello again,
It’s me! Heidi Lee Rubin, Sweat MTL, Captain Fun.
I sincerely hope February has been sweet to you, and that whatever the past month has held — here in the studio or out in the world — has supported you in the ways you need and want.
In continuation of my previous love letter to you all, it felt natural to keep following the journey and begin touching on the things that help us get to where we want to go.
I have a lot of experience moving out of patterns that kept me in loops I no longer wanted to live in — and at the same time (as we all are), I am still very much inside a moment of transformation. One of my favourite truths is that we can continue to evolve, if we choose to.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what has actually helped me build new habits over time.
My words are not meant to be instructional. I don’t believe myself to be a master of anything, really. This is simply a vulnerable share from a person going through it while also having the privilege of leading an incredible community — doing my best to become the version of myself I truly want to be.
The habits and protocols I’ve learned didn’t arrive through dramatic overnight transformation. They came slowly, sometimes clumsily— the way real change tends to happen.
Growth has never felt like a clean “before and after”. It feels more like learning how to create conditions and removing barriers to help the version of myself I want to move toward has a slightly better chance of showing up.
The habits that stick, for me, are the small and imperfect shifts I can sustain.
I was never an A-type personality. Anyone who knew me in earlier years would not have described me as a person with great discipline. There were many things I didn’t follow through on and I was far more rock-and-roll than “by the book.”
It wasn’t higher education or a perfectly mapped-out plan that brought me here. What carried me forward was passion, relationships, and enough charisma to find my way out of some seriously chaotic shit.
In many ways, I’m here not because I did everything right — but because of the grit I was able to muster up to stay in the game long enough to learn.
Recovery, being able to take responsibility for my side of the street, entrepreneurship, and later becoming a runner are the clearest examples of this in my life.
There was a long stretch where my relationship to my body was about harm and escape, not care or capacity. I didn’t wake up one day and decide to become someone who runs a business — or even someone who runs longer than a 20 sec sprint.
It began with learning about some tools to help me stop hurting myself so much.
Then learning to tolerate being in my body and my feelings — work I am still deeply inside of.
Going at a pace that I could keep, rather than the pace I thought I should be able to keep.
Then experimenting with movement that didn’t feel like punishment.
Running arrived much later, almost as a side effect of building enough internal and external support to try something without needing it to fix me. I was also in a relationship with someone who inspired me to want to be the kind of person who likes run clubs cuz run clubs are fun! *Our first edition of The Infinity Run Club starts this Wednesday morning March 3rd at 7am!
What can look like discipline or confidence, I think is mostly repetition: trial, error, recalibration.
I tried things that didn’t work.
I got things wrong… very fucking wrong in fact.
I felt embarrassed, disappointed, overwhelmed.
But I didn’t lose my people.
I didn’t lose my work.
The relationships that mattered most didn’t disappear.
Over time, that lived evidence mattered more than reassurance ever could. Failure stopped feeling catastrophic and became survivable — painful still, but information, directional feedback.
That’s where much of my courage comes from. Not from being fearless, but from learning that I can live through the discomfort of getting it wrong… over and over again 😅.
There are still deep waves of distress when decisions feel high-stakes. We all carry nervous systems shaped by past experiences, and that shows up in ways I’m not always proud of — but it is part of my process.
I believe in listening to fear with discernment.
Not every fear needs to be overridden.
Not every activation means we should push harder.
Sometimes the nervous system is asking for care, not exposure.
And still — growth rarely happens without pressure.
Adversity builds capacity.
Confrontation reveals edges.
Taking steps — any steps, at any pace — is a practice in staying with ourselves.
When I say “grow,” I don’t mean productivity or optimization. I mean becoming a long-term student of your own needs, limits, and patterns. Learning, slowly and imperfectly, how not to abandon yourself at the first sign of discomfort.
Even writing this took time: weeks of drafting, stepping away, returning, editing. The process mirrored the message — clarity, doubt, fatigue, beginning again.
Recently, I moved through a period that felt like my own personal tsunami. Things came full circle and everything felt unstable at once. I had to remind myself that I wasn’t alone. That fatigue is real. That I live in a body shaped by time and experience — and what worked before doesn’t always work now.
That realization required a different kind of patience. The kind only lived experience can teach.
I’ve always wanted happiness. But wanting happiness and knowing how to hold it are not the same.
When fear, anger, resentment, or grief live in your system — even for understandable reasons — joy can feel complicated.
So I write this not as someone who has figured it all out, but as someone trying to live honestly. Someone still learning how to make space for joy while holding the full spectrum of being human.
As I’ve aged, certain resources have helped me understand myself differently. Through these tools — and an entire ecosystem of support I have fumbled, slid, climbed, and strolled through and within — I feel far more sturdy in who I am, and in my relationship to the world around me.
Sometimes it looks like play. Sometimes it looks like belonging. Sometimes it’s just showing up imperfectly and letting connection regulate what willpower alone never could.
I repeat, I write this not as an expert, but just a lil’guy practicing — building a life that feels honest, sustainable, and, I hope, happy. Not becoming someone else, but learning, again and again, how to stay with the person I already am.
HELPFUL RESOURCES I’VE MEANDERED THROUGH ALONG THE WAY:
THERAPY / RECOVERY
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) gave me language for how I communicate and where many of my patterns began. It helped me begin to forgive myself for how I showed up when I only had limited tools. With practice, I continue building new responses that create more alignment and steadier relationships.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is teaching me to recognize the different “parts” of myself that show up as protectors, managers, or bodyguards when emotions feel overwhelming. I’m learning to notice them and gently ask what they’re trying to protect. Often, the “danger” underneath is sadness or fear. When I can name that, I have a chance to sit with those feelings and understand what they actually need. Sweeping them under the rug doesn’t make them disappear — it just turns me into the Incredible Hulk, smashing through Verdun instead of tending to what’s hurting. I’m learning that acknowledging these parts, rather than abandoning them, is what prevents the cycle of self-sabotage.
Any fellowship or S.M.A.R.T recovery group… Some I liked more than others… Some I despised more than others. Please reach out personally if you are suffering and feel comfortable talking to me. I will always do my best to be here for you in the ways that I can be <3
RUNNING
When running became part of my life, I didn’t do it alone. Coaches Heather, Marge, Lecia, and Shadoe taught me to train in ways that respected my body — meeting it where it was, not where I thought it should be. They showed me that progress can coexist with care, and that performance doesn’t have to come at the expense of wellbeing.
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ENTREPRENEURSHIP
Business for Unicorns is a coaching and education company that has supported me as a fitness studio owner and coach in building a more profitable and sustainable business. It’s widely known within the boutique fitness industry for combining business strategy, coaching culture, and systems thinking — rather than focusing solely on marketing tactics. Joining this team was a significant step for me. It required a major financial investment at a time when I wasn’t fully certain how it would help, because I still didn’t clearly understand what I actually needed in order to become a successful business owner.
CONNECTING THE DOTS:
I believe there are different strokes for different folks. Sometimes I’ve had to accept or remove certain parts of these kinds of “experts” in order to take what feels useful to me. That alone reminds me that we all contain many parts — and that we can choose what we take, and when.
Growth rarely comes from a single philosophy. Sometimes it comes from borrowing language that resonates. Sometimes from observing what supports someone you love. We don’t all need the same frameworks — often we just need permission to explore what might move us forward.
For me, the value has never been in full adoption. It’s in staying open: taking what’s useful, leaving what isn’t, and continuing to build a practice of understanding myself over time. And I’ve learned that healing doesn’t happen only in therapy rooms. It happens in community.
Community Resources
The "HEALTH WALK!" (French-only) aims to restore health among seniors by encouraging movement, connection, and exploration of neighborhoods and nature throughout Montréal. It helps combat loneliness while rebuilding confidence and enjoyment of physical activity.
There’s also a women’s block on the ice on Tuesday nights at the rink behind the Verdun Metro, at Parc Willibrord.
New up and coming Queer Bowling group that hosts nights at a local alley. Click HERE for their Instagram page.
Ty, a trans and nonbinary professional waxer created Épilation Lune in response to a need for trans-friendly waxing without gendered service prices. This is the studio they was looking for (and never found) after starting HRT. Their studio is a gender-affirming, accessible, and relaxing space for anyone who wants to get waxed!
I am a neutral person who can guide you through a powerful and transformative process: mediation. In this confidential process we will focus on understanding what each person involved in a conflict or negotiation needs and explore solutions that address as many of those needs as possible.The goal is to find a way forward that works for everyone.
If you made it this far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving a shit and staying the course. I don’t take it for granted!
Love always,
Your Captain of Fun
Heidi Rubin